Confessions of a Selfish Mom

Last week and already this week have been very challenging for me in my mothering journey. I knew that having four kids ages 3 and under wouldn’t be a party everyday. But the twins have been so easy and good that I think I deceived myself again into saying “I can do this.” Nolan has lived to prove me wrong, and Elaine is helping him. I’m trying to remember that God is pressing me into a place where I can’t do this, in order that I might lean on Him completely.

Today, as my kids sit in yet another time out, I sat on the couch and cried. Cried because all I wanted was a few moments of quiet time with my Bible. Cried because I am weary of fighting this battle. Cried because I feel like we can never go on deputation with children like these. Cried because Ben wasn’t able to talk to me on the phone right now. And then I opened my Facebook account, and there was this post on Beyond Bath Time –

Confessions of a selfish mom:

Some days I'm keenly aware of my self-centeredness. I like to wake up and have my home revolve around my needs. My need for sleep. My need for my coffee. My need for my space. My need for my children to behave like I want them to. My need for my husband to respond to me the way that makes me comfortable.

But God's truth confronts these "needs" and brings them to proper perspective. These are self-centered wants, demands, expectations. I create an idol out of my comfort. This pushes God to the side. It shows my tiny view of the cross.

Jesus came to serve others. He came to lay down His life for others. As daughters of the Most High King, this is our role. To lay aside wants and demands and to serve. To realize what we really deserve is hell, eternity separated from God. What He's given us is grace and He imparted His righteousness to us.

I must preach the gospel to myself daily. To view myself through the cross. To seek to live the gospel to my family. To purge selfishness from my heart through the power given to us through the Holy Spirit.

All for His glory!
A Selfish Mom clinging to the cross!

I really needed that just now. You would think it is second nature for a mother to love her children.  But sometimes it is such a struggle to express that love the way God wants me to.  I love myself, and my Flesh Woman doesn’t like to be set aside so that I can love someone else.  I now understand why Paul commanded Titus that the older women should teach the younger women to love their husbands and their children.

Titus 2:3-5  The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; 4 That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, 5 To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.

When I love my children like God wants me to love them, when I set aside my own desires and wants, when I let the love of Christ to overflow through my life, then the Word of God is not dishonored.  Only Christ can unselfishly love my little people, and sometimes He chooses to do it through me.  That is amazing.  I want them to see Christ’s love in me today.

Look In the Mirror

I was challenged recently as I read through 1 Peter 3.  This passage speaks to wives and their relationship with their husbands.  It tells us that the unsaved husband may be won without his wife saying a word, as he observes her behavior.  Then Peter addresses the way we should adorn ourselves as women.

1 Peter 3:3-4  Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;  4 But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.

My journal reads,

Too often I worry about my outside appearance because that is what people will see, but I do not take time to care for my inner man.  Though the outside may give testimony to the inner man, the latter is far more important and should be addressed first.

How much time do we spend in front of the mirror?  Smoothing wrinkles.  Covering blemishes.  Brushing hair.  We want to look good when we go out and are around other people.  Should we not show the same care for our inner man?  We need to take time to look into the mirror of God’s Word and allow Him to smooth the wrinkles and wash away the blemishes of sin.  We need Him to set our lives in order so that when we minister to other people, they see Him reflecting from our inner mirror. 

My desire is to care for my spiritual life just as much, if not more, than I care for my physical appearance each day.  This takes intentional decisions.  It won’t just happen on its own or “fall into place.”  I must purpose to take time to look into the mirror each morning.

What is Inside?

I have just finished baking a beautiful pie to complement our dinner tonight.  Usually I have trouble making the crust look right, or it gets a little too brown, but this one looks just about perfect.  If I were to invite you over for dinner, and then bring my pie to the table, you would probably be licking your lips for some homemade apple pie with vanilla ice cream.  Would you be disappointed when I told you it was a zucchini pie?

When I’m working in the kitchen my mind is usually going a hundred miles an hour faster than my hands.  So this was my thought as I made that pie…

It’s important that we are on the inside what we look like on the outside.  And vice versa.  Jesus talked about this when He was rebuking the Pharisees in Matthew 23:27.  He said,

“Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are like unto whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men's bones, and of all uncleanness.” 

The idea is that these white-washed, exquisitely maintained “buildings” looked wonderful from the outside, but when you took a peek inside you found only rottenness and decay.  The Pharisees were the same – they kept up all the appearances, but there was no spiritual vitality within them.  They were still dead in trespasses and sins.

So…are you an apple pie or a zucchini pie?  Does your coworker shake his head when he discovers that you claim to be a Christian, because He knows how you really live?  Do you shy away from close relationships with other church members because they might find out you are bitter?  Are you a “good Christian girl” only at church on Sundays?

And let’s flip the coin over.  If you have Christ in your life then it should be showing.  But are you cultivating the inner relationship with Him, or only making it look like you have your devotions?  Are you really demonstrating Christ in your service and actions, or is it just puffed up self-righteousness to make you look good?

Now, sometime I will make you a zucchini pie.  In the case of my pie, you may be slightly disappointed if your taste buds were geared up for apple.  But chances are, you won’t tell the difference.  And even if you are a little disappointed, I’m sure you will still enjoy it.  Zucchini pie is “mock apple pie” but it’s still delicious. 

Just don’t let your Christian life be the “mock” version.
Let it be real…let it be Christ in you.

Just a Note on “Profanity”

I’ve been bothered a little bit lately by several people referring to God or His work in “everyday” type terminology.  The Bible calls this “profane”, that is, taking what is holy and making it common or base.

God is not common, nor base.  He is holy.  He is God.  He is separate from us and the world.

One writer referred to the new church her husband was planting and said that “this is God’s gig.”  I have often heard “God is my co-pilot” or people calling Him “Dad.”  I just think those terminologies are lowering God from who He is. 

God doesn’t have a “gig.”  He has a church, and it is amazing beyond anything that we could conceive or do.  We are privileged to be a part of it.  God isn’t my co-pilot – He is to be my pilot.  My Shepherd.  My Guide.  He doesn’t help me do things, He does them through me.  And while one of God’s names is Abba Father which could be translated as “Daddy,” I think that we should refrain from always viewing Him in that common of a relationship.  Sometimes it is very comforting to realize that God is as close as a Daddy would be, but He is so much more than that.

{I also realize that while Jesus Christ was on earth, He was made like man in every aspect, so that He can say He bore our infirmities.  There is nothing that I can experience with which He cannot empathize.  He has felt and experienced it all.  So He is like us in some respects, and that can also be a comforting fact.}

As I was meditating on this, the thought occurred to me that when we profane God by lowering Him to a common level, we are trying to make Him seem just like us.  We are trying to put God into our terms.  To confine Him in our box. 

Yet as an eternal being, God is beyond us, beyond what we can describe or define or package up.  God is trying to conform us into His image.  He is trying to make us like Himself.  Let’s stop trying to make Him seem more like us, and concentrate on becoming more like Him.

You in Christ and Christ in You

I think that if I condensed my spiritual year down to one lesson, it is that I have been learning to walk in the Spirit.  I grew up in church and I have heard preaching on this subject all my life, but I don’t think I ever really understood it.  The preacher always made it seem unattainable, hard to understand, maybe even “mystical”.  Like it was just this concept out there that no one could explain.

It is evident to me that my pastor here in Brooklyn walks in the Spirit on a daily basis.  He has been preaching on this topic, and victory, and union in Christ {they are all woven together} a lot.  I feel like things are clicking – making sense.  I am still learning, but I have seen the difference in my life when I walk in the Spirit.  And I have understood what I was doing, and when I was not doing it.

Yesterday in our Bible Study Pastor gave two Old Testament illustrations of “You in Christ” and “Christ in You.”  They helped to clarify the picture for me even further.

In Exodus 15:22-26 the children of Israel come to the bitter waters of Marah, after marching in the wilderness for three days and being in desperate need of water.  This pictures for us salvation – how we come to be in Christ. The waters were not drinkable and held only the prospect of certain death.  Everyone was thirsty.  Everyone would die without water.  Sin in a universal problem – just as the lack of water affected all of the Israelites.  But then the Lord showed Moses a tree which made the water sweet.  This is  picture of salvation.

The first tree was in the Garden of Eden, and when Adam chose to eat of it it brought sin and death. The second tree was called Calvary.  It is the tree of a second choice, and it brings life as salvation places us in Christ.

2 Kings 2:19-22 illustrates the Christ in You principle.  Shortly after Elijah’s translation to heaven, Elisha was brought to a city which appeared to be pleasant.  It looked good from the outside, but poor, stagnant, polluted water prevented the land from bringing a crop to harvest.  It was barren.  This city is a picture of the carnal Christian.  Everything looks fine.  They put on a great show at church. But inwardly they are living for self & sin, not walking in the victory provided by the Spirit.  There is nothing that says to others, “Christ lives in me.”

The burden of this city became so intolerable that they confessed their barren situation to the prophet.  They were moved to action.  Elisha threw salt in at the source of the water, and it was healed so that the city could be fruitful.  This is a picture of the life of Christ in me & you. 

Every believer has spiritual water in him.  But sometimes through self & sin our water becomes polluted.  We need to go to the Source of our water to be healed, so that we are restored to life-giving water.  The life of the Risen Christ within us heals the barrenness of the saint.  If we get “salt” in our “water” then the rivers of living water will flow to all of our other relationships.  When we have problems with “horizontal” relationships it is because we have not been pouring into our “vertical” or spiritual relationship. In reality, the only thing which can heal all other relationships is Christ in us.

In the first picture, the Tree heals the bitterness of sin. 

In the second picture, the life of the Risen Christ heals the barrenness of the saint.

“He that believeth on me, as the scripture hath said, out of his belly shall flow rivers of living water.  (But this spake he of the Spirit, which they that believe on him should receive…”  {John 7:38-39}

How are your waters today?

Whose Story Are You Telling?

I wrote this as part of the Gypsy Mama’s Five Minute Friday meme.  I shared it on my personal blog, but I thought it would be appropriate here too.

The prompt is:

Story…

Every day our lives are telling a story.  The story of self, or the story of Christ. 

Just when I think I have this “Christian life” thing down pat, I find myself going back to the basics.  Learning again to depend on Christ.  Learning again to soak up His Words and make them my guide for living.  Learning again His Will for me.

Some days I really depend on Him.  I can hear Him speaking His words through me.  I can see His patience with my children.  I can feel His strength when mine is all gone.  Those days I am telling the story of Christ.  The story of becoming like Christ.  The story of sanctification.

Other days my self rears its ugly head and my day is filled with strife, wrong thinking, and selfish mothering.  I get annoyed with my children and frustrated when my plans go awry.  Those days tell the story of self, as if I were unredeemed.

I am often amazed at the things my kids pick up.  Soak in.  Learn.  I see them do something and I wonder, “Who taught you to do that?”  They learn so much, so quickly, so easily.  And they learn much from watching me.  From living with me.

And so each day I want to tell them the story of Christ.  I want them to see Him in me.  To hear Him in the words I speak, and the tone I use.  To sense His patience and grace in discipline for wrong-doing. 

Because in the end, if my words tell them the Gospel, but my life doesn’t live it, I have been telling them the wrong story.  And they will sense the hypocrisy.

I really enjoyed the book Feminine Appeal by Carolyn Mahaney.  In it she describes how our femininity and roles as a wife and mother can adorn the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

“But God…”

Ephesians 2 illustrates the great difference between our position as dead in sins before salvation (vs.1-2), and the amazing position we share now, sitting together with Christ in heavenly places (vs.6).  How did this transformation take place?  All because of God.  “But God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us;” (vs.4).  His love and mercy made all the difference!

Before salvation:

• Dead in sins (vs.1)
• Walked according to the world (vs.2)
• Lived in Satan’s realm (vs.2)
• Disobedient (vs.2)
• Lusts of the flesh (vs.3)
• Fulfilling the desires of the flesh (vs.3)
• Children of wrath (vs.3)
• Gentiles in the flesh (vs.11)
• Aliens from God (vs.12)
• Strangers from the covenant of promise (vs.12)
• No hope (vs.12)
• Without God (vs.12)
• Far off (vs. 13)
• Separated from God (vs.14)
• Afar off (vs.17)
• Strangers and foreigners (vs.19)

“But God” gave us this new life and totally transformed us, so that we can walk in Him and not fulfill the lust of the flesh:

• Quickened – made alive (vs.1)
• Loved (vs.4)
• Saved by grace (vs.5)
• Raised (vs.6)
• Seated with Christ in heavenly places (vs.6)
• Rich through the grace of Christ (vs.7)
• Saved by grace through faith (vs.8)
• Given salvation as a free gift (vs.8)
• His workmanship (vs.10)
• Living unto good works (vs. 10)
• Made nigh (vs.13)
• We have peace through Christ (vs.14)
• Reconciled (vs.16)
• One body through the cross (vs.17)
• The punishment (enmity) against us is slain, abolished (vs.15-16)
• Access to the Father through the Spirit (vs.18)
• Fellowcitizens with the saints (vs.19)
• Household of God (vs.19)
• Build on the foundation and Corner Stone (vs.2010
• Growing (vs.21)
• The habitation of the Spirit (vs.22)

Now that’s a reason to smile and have a “happy heart” today!

Grieve Not the Spirit

Ephesians 4:30 says, “And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.”  I have mentioned before that I am reading a book on the Spirit-filled life called Rivers of Living Water by Ruth Paxson.  In this book she describes grieving as a love word, because you cannot grieve someone who does not love you.  Ms. Paxson goes on to describe the ways we can grieve the Spirit who indwells us.  Each point has to do with a name for the Spirit in the Word of God.  These are direct quotes from the book:

• He is the Spirit of truth (John 14:17), so anything false, deceitful, hypocritical, grieves Him.
• He is the Spirit of faith (2 Cor. 4:13), so doubt, unbelief, distrust, worry, anxiety, grieve Him.
• He is the Spirit of grace (Heb. 10:29), so that which is hard, bitter, ungracious, unthankful, malicious, unforgiving, grieves Him.
• He is the Spirit of wisdom (Eph. 1:17), so ignorance, conceit, arrogance, and folly grieve Him.
• He is the Spirit of power, love and discipline (2 Tim. 1:7), so our weakness, fruitlessness, disorderliness, and lack of control grieve Him.
• He is the Spirit of life (Rom. 8:2), so anything that savors of indifference, lukewarmness, dullness or deadness grieves Him.
• He is the Spirit of glory (1 Pet. 4:14), so that which is wordly, earthly, or fleshly grieves Him.

I thought that was a very good way of explaining it and looking at the things in our lives which grieve the Holy Spirit.  He cannot fill us and control us if we are grieving Him by allowing these characteristics in our lives.

Hard Lessons to Learn

I wanted to write this post for my Thankful Thursday post last week (on my personal blog), but I didn’t get it done.  I don’t think I was ready to be able to express everything I’ve been thinking about lately.  Now that I’ve had a few more days to think about them, maybe I can adequately share what I’ve been learning.

You probably know that I like cloth diapers.  And…I had a retail store called Doable Diapers.  But it hasn’t been making money, and we came to a point last month where we wondered if we should keep it open.  I had hoped it would grow and be profitable enough so that Ben would not have to work a full time job when we are church planting.  I put out my fleece prayer request, and God chose not to answer it.  I asked my family members and close friends to pray with me about wisdom for the right decision.  Last Tuesday, we decided to close Doable Diapers. 

I feel like things are being stripped away from me one by one.  I know God is working on me and teaching me, and that these are good lessons to learn.  Good to learn now, before we are in full-time ministry.  But they are hard lessons too.  They hurt my pride and self-sufficiency.  They make me weak, and that is when I can fully experience the strength and power of God.

I thought we were doing pretty good on this parenting thing.  Our kids seemed pretty well behaved.  Then Elaine burst into the “terrible twos” stage with a vengeance.  She challenges me on everything, and throws these horrible fits, mostly in public.  Any pride I had in my parenting ability is being stripped away.  Though I know it intellectually, I am learning that I can only raise these children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord if it is the Lord who is giving me wisdom and strength to do so.

I thought I was a pretty good Christian.  Doing the right things, saying the right things, living the right way.  Then I come face to face with reality that my prayer life is struggling, and my relationship with the Lord needs some repair.  It’s humbling to admit you haven’t been completely genuine.  But now I feel like my cup is overflowing every time I open my Bible, and I know this has been a good lesson to learn…again.

I thought I would help supplement the family income and provide a way for my husband to spend more time in ministry and less time at work.  Then my business failed.  And as I look back over the months of sporadic work and unemployment, I realize that it is God who provided our needs and upheld us…not Andrea.  And now with no Doable Diapers, it is God who will continue to be the provider for us now, and in church-planting ministry.

I thought I had a good relationship with everyone.  Then things blew up with my neighbor.  And I had to admit some areas where I had been just as wrong as inconsiderate as perhaps she had.  And that was humbling.  And I didn’t want to do it, but I realized that it is necessary.

One by one God is removing my props.  Everything that was Andrea.  Everything that I thought was good.  But He is replacing them with something so much better.  He is filling me with more of Himself, and that satisfies so much more than anything I could come up with. 

This has been a hard month.  Several really hard days.  Things seemed dark.  But He is giving me the treasures of darkness.

“And I will give thee the treasures of darkness, and hidden riches of secret places,
that thou mayest know that I, the LORD,
which call thee by thy name,
am the God of Israel.”
Isaiah 45:3 

“None of self, and all of Thee”

I am reading a book called Rivers of Living Water by Ruth Paxson.  She was a missionary in China, and spoke at many conferences.  The book is a compilation of many messages she spoke on the Spirit-filled life.  The chapter I just finished deals with choosing Christ or choosing self – the two natures which dwell in the Christian.  Miss Paxson closes the chapter with this poem.  No author is specified, so I am assuming she wrote it.  It touched me as I seek to live the Spirit-filled life, and I wanted to share it here.

Oh! the bitter shame and sorrow,
That a time could ever be,
When I let the Saviour’s pity
Plead in vain, and proudly answered--
“All of self and none of Thee.”

Yet He found me: I beheld Him
Bleeding on the cursed tree;
Heard Him pray, “Forgive them, Father,”
And my wistful heart said faintly--
“Some of self and some of Thee.”

Day by day His tender mercy,
Healing, helping, full and free,
Sweet and strong, and oh! so patient,
Brought me lower while I whispered--
“Less of self and more of Thee.”

Higher than the highest heavens,
Deeper than the deepest sea;
Lord, thy love at last has conquered:
Grant me now my soul’s petition--
“None of self and all of Thee.”