Confessions of a Selfish Mom

Last week and already this week have been very challenging for me in my mothering journey. I knew that having four kids ages 3 and under wouldn’t be a party everyday. But the twins have been so easy and good that I think I deceived myself again into saying “I can do this.” Nolan has lived to prove me wrong, and Elaine is helping him. I’m trying to remember that God is pressing me into a place where I can’t do this, in order that I might lean on Him completely.

Today, as my kids sit in yet another time out, I sat on the couch and cried. Cried because all I wanted was a few moments of quiet time with my Bible. Cried because I am weary of fighting this battle. Cried because I feel like we can never go on deputation with children like these. Cried because Ben wasn’t able to talk to me on the phone right now. And then I opened my Facebook account, and there was this post on Beyond Bath Time –

Confessions of a selfish mom:

Some days I'm keenly aware of my self-centeredness. I like to wake up and have my home revolve around my needs. My need for sleep. My need for my coffee. My need for my space. My need for my children to behave like I want them to. My need for my husband to respond to me the way that makes me comfortable.

But God's truth confronts these "needs" and brings them to proper perspective. These are self-centered wants, demands, expectations. I create an idol out of my comfort. This pushes God to the side. It shows my tiny view of the cross.

Jesus came to serve others. He came to lay down His life for others. As daughters of the Most High King, this is our role. To lay aside wants and demands and to serve. To realize what we really deserve is hell, eternity separated from God. What He's given us is grace and He imparted His righteousness to us.

I must preach the gospel to myself daily. To view myself through the cross. To seek to live the gospel to my family. To purge selfishness from my heart through the power given to us through the Holy Spirit.

All for His glory!
A Selfish Mom clinging to the cross!

I really needed that just now. You would think it is second nature for a mother to love her children.  But sometimes it is such a struggle to express that love the way God wants me to.  I love myself, and my Flesh Woman doesn’t like to be set aside so that I can love someone else.  I now understand why Paul commanded Titus that the older women should teach the younger women to love their husbands and their children.

Titus 2:3-5  The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; 4 That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, 5 To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.

When I love my children like God wants me to love them, when I set aside my own desires and wants, when I let the love of Christ to overflow through my life, then the Word of God is not dishonored.  Only Christ can unselfishly love my little people, and sometimes He chooses to do it through me.  That is amazing.  I want them to see Christ’s love in me today.

I shall not want

I thought I had learned this lesson.  Many times.  But it keeps coming back.  “I shall not want.”  The Lord is teaching me this in new dimensions.  When I teach this verse to my kids, I ask them a series of questions.

“Who takes care of the sheep?”  Little voices answer with, “The Shepherd.”

“Who is the Shepherd?”  “Jesus.”

“Who is a sheep?”  “Me!”

The Shepherd takes care of the sheep.  His tenderness is pictured well in Isaiah 40:11 -  “He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he shall gather the lambs with his arm, and carry them in his bosom, and shall gently lead those that are with young.”  He is so tender and loving; patient and kind.  Lifting those who need help.  Walking slowly with the little ones.  Even when it takes me a long time to learn what is He trying to teach me, He is still patient and loving and continues to walk with me.  He continues to prove Himself trustworthy.  He continues to meet my needs, so that I shall not want.

It took me a long time to learn that He provides financially.  Through seasons of no work, or underpaying work.  Through college bills and times of unexpected expenses.  Through bad economy and the needs of four children.  God has always provided what we need, just when we need it.

I used to be pretty stingy.  I can’t print those things for church because I will run out of ink.  Or, I can’t afford the gas to travel there/help that person.  Or, I can’t sign up to bring food for the church fellowship because I don’t enough.  Why did it take me so long to learn that God would supply what I unselfishly gave to others?  And yet many times I still have to remind myself that everything I have isn’t really mine – it came from God.  He provided our van.  He gave us our computer and printer.  He fills our refrigerator.  He gave me clothes for my children.  If I share it with someone else, He will replenish it (and He always gives more in return than I gave away to begin with).

Recently I felt like I had a breakthrough.  When there was no work (and thus no paycheck), I didn’t immediately cry or stress out, panicking about financial obligations.  There was peace that God would supply in the right timing.  And He did.  He has already made up what was lacking.  The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.

Now He is teaching me that He is my Shepherd in other areas.  Not just financially, but emotionally, and spiritually too.  I have felt a little dry lately.  Probably because I have four kids and my “quiet” times with the Lord are not really very quiet, and they are nearly always very short.  But somehow…providentially…He provides just what I need.  Just a thought or a verse for the day.  A text that someone is praying for me.  An article online that speaks to what I am struggling with.  A compliment or funny moment from my kiddos.

I haven’t sat through an entire church service for a while.  There are two babies who never seem to want to nurse at “the right time.”  But the portions of the service that I do get have been filling me up.  A phrase from a song.  The Scripture reading.  Or just the third point of the sermon.  A teenager’s testimony.  The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.

When things are hard in Mommy Land and I feel like I just can’t handle it, He is gently reminding me that He is there with me.  His grace is sufficient.  I can handle it.  When I feel like crying, or yelling, or having a nervous breakdown, He reminds me that this is His Will for me.  He tells me He is holding my hand.  He shows me that my kids are “catching” things from my life – is what I am “throwing” worth catching?  I don’t have to lean on another person.  It’s not what my husband can say, or the hug from a friend that gets me through.  It’s my Shepherd.  Gently leading me.  Sometimes carrying me.  The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.

It’s one of those verses that we learn as a child.  One that many people probably know.  But it’s so profound – so hard to live out.  But so wonderful to experience.

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.

Some Thoughts on Motherhood

These snippets from readings recently encouraged, challenged, and convicted me on the topic of motherhood…

“God put Sabbath Rest into the weeks of our lives with a purpose. I have found that when I believe and engage my heart in the goodness of God’s character, and put out of my mind, after praying, all that I am carrying and just seek to be still and find joy, I see the miracles bubbling up slowly, surely, as He, my Father, delights to provide.

However, a Martha heart is of ten wont to see the miracles, as she is so busy living in the whirlwind of her own meek provisions, she loses all hope and becomes a wretched nag.”

~Sally Clarkson, A Wise Woman Sleeps

“These days I have no baby in the house. Instead, I have an exuberant seven-year-old and three teenagers. And these beloved children still take up all of my time, but in different ways. Yet since I know that this is a necessary sacrifice, a part of my service to them and to God, it is easier to bear–partly because I have made the choice to embrace the task of mothering, partly because I have come to terms with the natural demands children make on my time, but mostly because my attitude has changed.” ~ The Mission of Motherhood

~Sally Clarkson, Embracing Serving Our Children, Because Time Goes Quickly

“While it is incredibly wonderful to set our standards high and live within these great ideals, we must hold ourselves to a standard of grace, not perfection. We won’t be able to have grace for our children if we do not have grace ourselves.”

~Sally Clarkson, The Strength that Comes from Resting In Grace

“My eyes saw the work. Not the beauty… So I've worked to train my eyes to see the joy in the middle of what often feels like spinning too fast chaos.”

~Written by Rachel Martin, posted on The Hands Free Revolution

“Listen earnestly to anything your children want to tell you, no matter what.  If you don’t listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won’t tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has been always been big stuff.”

~Catherine M. Wallace, www.SpirituallyThinking.blogspot.com

“…the tone of your voice makes a difference – be faithful in all that you do.”

~Patch the Pirate, Limerick the Leprechaun

Change Your Garment

68 months ago, I married my best friend.  That translates into five years and eight months.  It seems like forever.  And two states, four apartments, three jobs, four kids, and two home businesses later we are still in love!

My devotion book this morning shared the story of a beggar who was invitied to dine with, and then lvie with the king.  He was provided new clothing and sat at the king’s table, yet he carried his old raggedy clothing with him everywhere because he never knew when he would need them.

Of course the spiritual parallel of the story is that we have been given a change of clothing by the King of Kings at salvation.  We have been invited to dine at His table, to live in His palace, and to enjoy all of the benefits of His royalty.  He offers it all to us through Christ.  Yet we cling to our rags of the flesh, carrying around old habits and besetting sins “just in case we ever need them.”  We do not fully realize the change and transformation that has been offered to us.  I fall into this trap too many times – just not quite willing to let completely go of who I was and to fully become who I am in Christ.

As I thought on this fictional tale and its spiritual lesson, I thought of the fact that today is one of our “anniversaries” as a married couple.  My husband and I have a game to see who can remember that it is the 26th of the month, and tell the other person first.  I usually lose, but today I won.  In fact, Ben texted me to say it is a score of about 65 to 3!

Five years and eight months ago I was getting ready to say “I do” and change my life forever.  I was going to change my name, where I lived, and who I lived with.  In preparation for that important, life-changing ceremony, I changed my clothes.  I put on my best dress – a new white garment picked especially for that day. 

When I accepted Christ at salvation, my life changed spiritually – forever.  My home was changed from earth to heaven, and I was seated in heaven with Christ.  I was offered a new “dress” of purity and holiness.  Why is it that spiritually I so often refuse the new garment which has been hand-picked for me by God?  Today I want to live in my new clothes, and leave my rags behind.

Isaiah 61:3  To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.

Zechariah 3:3-4  Now Joshua was clothed with filthy garments, and stood before the angel.  4 And he answered and spake unto those that stood before him, saying, Take away the filthy garments from him. And unto him he said, Behold, I have caused thine iniquity to pass from thee, and I will clothe thee with change of raiment.

Who is my neighbor?

In Luke 10 we find the story of the Good Samaritan.  Jesus was prompted to teach this lesson by a question from a young lawyer who asked, “Who is my neighbor?”  Jesus illustrated the love and selflessness of a “neighbor” through the story of the Good Samaritan. 

Several times in Scripture we find that the second greatest commandment is to love our neighbor as ourselves.  I am sure that many of us fail to keep this commandment on a regular basis.  We are so often consumed with ourselves, our schedule, our needs, our property, our family, etc. that we don’t even see the people around us.

Romans 13:8  Owe no man any thing, but to love one another: for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law.

Recently my daughter asked me, “Who is that, Mommy?” as she pointed to our neighbor on the sidewalk.  I replied, “That’s our neighbor,” and then explained that a neighbor lives next door to us.  Almost immediately I realized that while this definition would do for now, there is much more to a neighbor than just living next door.

Warren Wiersbe said, “My neighbor has less to do with geography and more to do with opportunity.”

You see, it’s not just the people next door, as I told my daughter.  It’s everyone around us – those “Divine appointments” that God allows into our lives each day.  People that we contact in business, play, and all around us.  I wonder how many of these “neighbors” or “opportunities” I have missed because I was so focused on my own agenda?

And yet, while the scope of a neighbor is very broad, I also realized that I must reach the neighbor next door.  God gives us opportunities to reach people all around us, but He plopped an easy, obvious “opportuntiy” right out our front doors.  It’s not just the people next door, but that’s a great place to start. 

Now that the weather is warmer and our kids are meeting play mates in the neighborhood, I am looking forward to building relationships with my neighbors on our new street.

Look In the Mirror

I was challenged recently as I read through 1 Peter 3.  This passage speaks to wives and their relationship with their husbands.  It tells us that the unsaved husband may be won without his wife saying a word, as he observes her behavior.  Then Peter addresses the way we should adorn ourselves as women.

1 Peter 3:3-4  Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;  4 But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.

My journal reads,

Too often I worry about my outside appearance because that is what people will see, but I do not take time to care for my inner man.  Though the outside may give testimony to the inner man, the latter is far more important and should be addressed first.

How much time do we spend in front of the mirror?  Smoothing wrinkles.  Covering blemishes.  Brushing hair.  We want to look good when we go out and are around other people.  Should we not show the same care for our inner man?  We need to take time to look into the mirror of God’s Word and allow Him to smooth the wrinkles and wash away the blemishes of sin.  We need Him to set our lives in order so that when we minister to other people, they see Him reflecting from our inner mirror. 

My desire is to care for my spiritual life just as much, if not more, than I care for my physical appearance each day.  This takes intentional decisions.  It won’t just happen on its own or “fall into place.”  I must purpose to take time to look into the mirror each morning.

A Godly Father

Though we are a few days past Father’s Day, I wanted to share a few thoughts that have been running through my mind.  Each Sunday our Pastor reads a passage of Scripture during the beginning of the service, before he gets to the message.  On Sunday, he read from Colossians 3.  Though it wasn’t the text of his sermon, the verses were applicable to fathers. 

Colossians 3:12-24  Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering;  13 Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.  14 And above all these things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness.  15 And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful.  16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord.  17 And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him.  19 Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.  21 Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.  23 And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men;  24 Knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance: for ye serve the Lord Christ.

As I have watched my husband interacting with our four children recently, I have felt overwhelmingly blessed that he is striving to be a Biblical father and husband.

A Biblical Father:

• Seeks the things that are above – (verse 1-3).  Realizing that he is seated with Christ, he lives and enjoys all of the benefits of the Christ life while walking here on earth.
• Lives the attributes of Christ in his daily life – holiness, mercy, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering.  My husband is far more patient with our children than I am, showing them mercy while being consistent in discipline.
• Lets peace rule his heart – not at strife or quarrel with others; at peace knowing that whatever God has allowed is God’s will for his life right now.  Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed and I say “I can’t handle this.”  Ben always responds by reminding me that I can handle it because God has allowed it.  “In acceptance lieth peace”, and when we accept this as God’s will for us for now, His peace rules in the heart.
• Dwells in the Word of God – makes that quiet time a priority.  With four little children in the house, its hard to find a consistent time of peace and quiet.  But the Biblical father will always find it, knowing that if he is to lead his family in spiritual things, he must walk in God’s Word.
• Takes care of his wife – sometimes the best thing my husband can do for our children to take care of me.  Many times when I am overwhelmed, stressed, sick, or just tired and have had a rough day, he sends me out of the house for a while to have some quiet time just to myself.  He takes care of things at home so I can come back re-charged to fulfill my duties in the home.  Though I know he loves me all the time, at these times when he shows extra care for me, I feel especially loved.
• Lovingly disciplines, without provoking to anger – with consistency and in the Biblical manner, the Godly father will discipline his children as he molds their character according to God’s Word.  Our children are learning from their Daddy to be polite, use manners, exhibit kindness and sharing, and obey.  Sometimes its hard to discipline them over and over again for the same thing, but the Biblical Father does it because he takes his responsibility seriously.  He also recognizes that it will serve them well in the future.
• Leads the home in spiritual things – it’s exciting to me to see my husband teach our children about the things of God.  Elaine was wearing a shirt that said “Praise the Lord.”  Daddy took the opportunity to teach her what praise means, and then he reinforced it several times throughout the day.  Both of my older children are starting to pray on their own, without promptings, and to understand some things in family devotions. 
  
  Ben also tries to make sure I get some moments for quiet time with the Lord even when things seem to be spinning out of control at home.  And many times I get a call or a text at random points through the day to tell me he is praying for me…especially when my day is difficult.  He may not be here to assist me with an extra set of hands as I care for the kiddos, but he has done something far more helpful in bringing me before the Heavenly Father in prayer.

I’m thankful for the husband God gave me, and the father that he is to our children.  They have a special Daddy, for sure, and one day they will realize just how blessed they are!